Wtf baby?

My 17 month old has recently turned into a bit of an asshole. She has her first cold and is simultaneously cutting all 4 of her incisor teeth. Which makes our house a fun place to be, as I'm sure you can imagine. Because of her cold, everything is covered in snot. Her hair, her face, my pants, my shirt, my couch, the dog... It's fucking gross. And if I try and wipe her nose, it's like I just kicked her in the taint.

But back to the assholery. I think she hit the terrible twos early. And I'm not a fucking fan. If we're watching tv and it's something she doesn't approve of, she marches her tubby ass over to the DirectTv box and hits the off button. So we turn it back on. This quickly becomes a game of turn off, turn on. It's horseshit.

We have had to move the table up against the wall and keep all chairs and the bench tucked all the way in. If she finds a crack in the fortress, she pulls a chair out, gets up on it, and climbs onto the table and starts throwing the contents of the fruit bowl out. Also, the fruit bowl contains no fruit. It is filled with painted rocks, sunglasses, papers, bookmarks... Pretty much all the things that should not be in a fruit bowl.

Her next bout of assholeishness comes when she decides to fuck with the cat with no tail. Sammi. Now, Sammi is a mean old bitch and doesn't like kids. She has earned this right, considering Ghost's ex wife aborted her last litter of kittens. But Ireland will have none of her child hating ways. She wants to pet Sammi and god damnit, she will and does! And then Sammi sends a nice roundhouse paw straight at Ireland's face with her claws ready to take some skin. We do this fun game at least 3 times a day. Never gets old for either of them.

Where did my sweet baby go? Who replaced her with this asshole??