Talk Dirty to Me (Please?)

Hello all,

This is the Hooker's highly anonymous friend, hijacking her blog, because I'm too much of a pussy to write about anything related to S-E-X on my own site. Please enjoy my TMI anecdote, and thanks to DPH for letting me use her blog!

So the husband and I are watching TV last night, and the theme of the night seems to be dirty talk. Two different comedians bring it up in their routines on the comedy show we watch first. These male comedians are making fun of women who can’t do it, saying, “Just go into a quiet room, and think about all the dirtiest, most depraved shit you can think of. Then say that.” Then we watch Katie Morgan’s show on HBO, and she’s giving advice on how to talk dirty in bed (DO keep it simple: “Oooh, that feels good.” DON’T lie: “Your cock is so big it’s going to rip me in half!” Maybe just tell him what you’d like him to do.)

We get 5 minutes to ourselves today, and run up to the Palace O’Love (the bedroom). And I’m trying to think of how I can incorporate last night’s education. I’m not a good dirty talker. It sounds good when I see it on a porno, but coming out of my mouth, it ends up sounding mildly retarded.

“Oooh, honey, it’s so….I mean, you’re the best… Slow down or you’re going to….Oh fuck this shit, I’m no good at dirty talk.”

And then, I get an idea. An idea so brilliant it may have transformed the way we have sex for years to come.

I tell him what I don’t want.

“Oh, god, I don’t want you to pull my hair, slap my face and call me a little bitch! Don’t you dare stick it in my ass until my intestines collapse! I don’t want you to put your fist up me and use me like a hand puppet! Please, don’t invite a group of big-titted midgets in here to lick your nuts while I ride you like a cowgirl on ecstasy!” And so on.

He manages to edit out the “don’ts”.

I’m not embarrassed, because I’m a respectable (?) girl, who doesn’t want to do those things.

And it makes him cum like a god damned fire hydrant.

Some days, I’m kind of fucking brilliant.