Soooooo, I bought my plane ticket this morning to go see the wonderful Mr. Keywork. I leave next Friday and come back that Sunday. I want to give a quick thank you to everyone who donated money to get me laid. I hope you know you paid for sex and that you're a dirty whore.
So now I'm excited and nervous about going. I have all these ridiculous, neurotic fears racing through my brain. Maybe it also doesn't help that I started my period this morning, which I am actually quite thankful for, because that means it will be gone by the time I get there. No bloody fucking for me!
So what are my neurotic fears you ask? Fuck you, quit being so goddamn nosy! I don't mean that, it's the PMS talking. Ok, so what if he has a crazy facial twitch that I just can't live with? Or if he uses his hands too much to make gestures when he talks? Or if he has a peg leg? Or a wooden dick? Or a glass eye? These are all valid concerns, assholes!
Also, what if he thinks I'm ugly? What if he thinks I have too many freckles and that my nose is shaped weird? I dress funny? My body is that of a 9 year old boy's?
I know I'm perfect (and so do you), but what if????
I'm going to go take a xanax and a midol and calm the fuck down now.
Oh, I also posted over at Keyworks dirty brothel today, so check it out.
Friday, October 10, 2008
I'm leavin', on a jet plane..
Drunkenly written by Dirty Pirate Hooker at 10:09 AM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
78 other skanks said...:
He's going to love you. You're so lovable, how can he not?
And if he doesn't, just call me, and you can come to Denver and party with me.
LOL, thanks Kar. Next time I come, I'm flying into Denver and he can drive his ass down to get me...and I'll stay a night with you!
Do you mean to tell me you've never met in person? I quite admire your loyalty if that is the case!! How exciting for you!! :)
Everything will be fine! How exciting!
CQ - ummmm, nope, we have not.
Ruca, I know. I just can't help but be a LITTLE crazy.
"Or if he has a peg leg? Or a wooden dick? Or a glass eye? "
I thought those were all qualities any pirate would love?
Stop obsessing, you're frikkin hot.
Good point, MK...very good point.
You're hot whore. Take more xanax, everything is going to be great. I bought a new shovel today just in case it doesn't go well. Jk. I would like the record to show that my dick is not made of wood. Also, isn't someone supposed to say something like 'fuck him if he doesn't like you'?
Ghost, you now come up on my site meter as Waterloo, Canada on your blackberry. You're now canadian. We can't see each other anymore.
And I think 'fuck him if he doesn't' is where Kara was going in her second comment...just nicer.
Yeah the manbitch that runs Blackberry is a fucking canuck. And I might just be a dirty spy. Either way, we can't break up. We have an Angry Fake Baby to think about now.
God. I should have gotten back to blogging sooner. I had NO idea. And I'm glad...you two are getting together.
You're both a couple of hot whores. And fuck both of you if you don't like each other.
Ghost, you're right. I wasn't thinking of our angry fake baby. I'm so selfish sometimes.
Beef Curtain, fuck you. I left you a VERY nice comment today in a moment of menstrual weakness, then you come over here and spout your hate? I like it.
Wait, I talk with my hands. What's wrong with that?
I'm excited and nervous for you. oh yeah, and I fuckin tired. But the jobfair awaits...
Lisa, my little love muffin, there is nothing wrong with just talking with your hands, but when you swing them so wildly that you are taking people out, and gouging the eyes out of babies, you have a problem. And for the record, I do not think you talk with your hands. Actually...you do. But you know what you do? You tap on the table with your fingers when you talk and I always think that must hurt cause you do it so hard. It's adorable. Wanna make out?
My BFF hates all of my noisy quircks. She has threatened to leave in a public place, embarass me, and physically harm me. Strange, she hasn't offered to make out. I vote you as new BFF. We can have a trial period and see how it goes.
You don't 'try out' the Hooker, the Hooker tries YOU out!
And I'll never leave you in public, but I can guarantee I'll embarass you at least once.
I know you left a VERY nice message on my blog today you weak little menses infested whore. I loved it and I love you too and fuck you both if you don't like each other.
Have fun at band camp!
Well how am I doing?
I know, we'll replace all of the chuck norris lines with The Hooker.
The Hooker does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears The Hooker pajamas.
When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for The Hooker.
oops, I forgot a chuck in there.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, The Hooker instead decided to punch her way out of her mother's womb.
Lisa, now that you've replaced Chuck Norris with The Hooker, you've passed the BFF test. You're no longer on a trial basis.
You may regret this decision later, FYI
LMFAO that's awesome.
The Hooker is the only one who could carry Angry Baby to term.
I could go on....There are no disabled people. Only people who have met The Hooker.
When The Hooker falls in water, The Hooker doesn't get wet. Water gets The Hooker.
OK, I gotta go. But eveyone continue The Hookerisms.
That's exciting and scary and awesome...you're my hero, DPH...I'm sure everything will be awesome.
"I hope you know you paid for sex and that you're a dirty whore." ... bwahaha
I started my period this morning too :S
The Hookers tears cure cancer. Too bad she has never cried.
The Hooker was the fourth Wiseman. She brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly until his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have the Hooker omitted from the Bible. Shortly thereafter all three died of VD related deaths.
The Hooker once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put herpes in her Whopper, Jr., insisting that that actually is "her" way.
The Hooker has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.
Lisa, good luck at the job fair.
Huckdoll, I'm everyone's hero.
Thanks for commenting, you big bitch! xoxo
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE RED HEADED BOMBSHELL??
Donna, is that you? The Red Headed Bomb Shell has been a busy little bee. Her bro shipped off to boot camp, she's been in trial, and lots of other exciting things! She hasn't had ANY time to get online, but I actually saw her on this morning. Plus, she's sick right now. =(
Oh, I talk with my hands too.
Ok, maybe I'm not being clear here. I talk with my hands too. I do not however, talk so much with my hands that all around me are not safe.
I've already decided I can deal with your odd habit of ALWAYS standing...I can deal with whatever else comes.
Yes, DPH it`s me, Im still lurking
around! Your blog has sure taken off! Have a good ole` hooker time with your new man next week.
I knew you wouldn't have a problem with the standing thing. Mostly because I know how you like to be kneeling all the time.
Donna, how come you never comment anymore? Is it because you never got over the breakup between gay bf and I? LOL. I've missed you!
Ghost, DUH! But don't be surprised if I tackle you and tie you up so you will sit down.
dawww you guys are fucking adorable! have fun hooker!
DPH, most times I just dont know what to say because you got some craazy freaks up in here (meant in the most complimentary way!)I do enjoy it though.
Donna
Jigsaw, awwww, thanks. and I will be having LOTS of fun!
Donna, you know you can say anything here...it's a safe place.
I especially enjoyed the Allie
ordeal!
D
LOL, did you not like her, D?
Look at that. We're adorable. So, I've already hired the midgets. Turns out one of them is a photographer (bonus) and promises only to jump in when required. I knew it, everyone hated Allie.
I really didnt have an opinion of her , it was just funny she kept running her mouth until Boom`s shut her up.I`m kinda bummed cause I cant read Mal`s blog anymore.
sniff...sniff..
D
Ghost, thanks for pulling through on that. I'm pretty excited. Did you get Bridget the Midget? Ooooh, also, do I get to meet your boyfriend when I'm there???
Donna, just email her your dork! She'll let you in!
Donna, email her at malskeys@gmail.com
I will do that!!
Have fun...remember to order 2 cocktails when the drink cart comes around cause you never know when it's coming around again. I learned that on Luftanza and they all think I'm a totall lush, I'd like red a dn white wine with my vodka and when the coffee brandy guy comes around tell him I want a double.
I am leaping out of lurkerdom to say Hello.. The thought of a wooden dick has made me come out of lurkerville and admit that I am green with envy. I haven't had sex, (wooden or otherwise) for 10 months *sigh*
Have fun
cheers Kim
You are perfect!! Never think otherwise!!
Kisses
lady you are silly.. you are beautiful.. and freckles are adorable.. if he doesn't want to stick it in you, i will.. hahah ;) i kid. seriously though don't worry so much.. you are beautiful and hilarious.
I really hope he doesn't have a wooden dick.
Am I a comment whore? Oh yes, I am.
Stick it in her? I'm a gentleman. That being said, I think we're going to be fucking a lot.
Scrapper, I intend to drink heavily on the flight. My only concern is that since I have a layover in Salt Lake City, there may not be a bar in the airport where I can down 5 shots of tequila before the next plane leaves! Damn mormons and their strict drinking rules.
Ghost, I may be drunk by the time I get to you.
Frog, Thanks for coming out of the shadows! Comment more often or I'll send Angry Baby after you.
Mal, I'm aware of how perfect I am...sometimes others aren't though.
KK, thanks sugar. Is it weird that I got excited when you said you would stick it in me? If so, then it feels so good to be wrong.
Corrina, yes, you're a comment whore...but I love it, cause I'm an attention whore. It evens out.
Ghost, people keep asking me if we're going to do anything while I'm there, like go out and shit and I'm like, no...I think we'll just stay inside and fuck most of the time...
Glad you're as big of a whore as I am.
Ok, last time: I don't have a wooden dick.
Dph: you can drink at the airport in SLC. I've done it before. Nice thing about Colorado: if you suck in bed, we can always go for a hike. Also, if I suck in bed, my neighbor has a shotgun.
Hookers don't hike. You know what else Hooker's don't do? Suck in bed, bitch!
Did you get the tent out?
Yeah, I'm setting up the tent tonight. And I've been saving up spit for a month. And my cock, well, I still have it.
Awesome.
Too bad no one bought the video though, huh?
Their loss. Jesus. Now I'm nervous. Manscape/dont manscape? Dreds. That's what I'm going with.
LOL, text Jilldo to ask about the manscaping thing.
But you can never go wrong with dreds. I emailed Formerly Fun to HOPEFULLY get a last minute wax in.
nah.. i got excited typing it.. brunettes with tattoos get me every time ;)
Kar, How about when I get all my 25000 miles I come visit you? I only need like 1500 more.
DPH don't forget to take pics, but not really dirty ones. Just slightly.
Lisa, you better take me on that trip, woman!
Also, you'll get text pics and plenty of them.
YAY so exciting!! this is like Eharmony....
Brook, if eharmony were less Christian and more whoreish, then yes, it would be just like eharmony.
eharmony is wack.. like you have to fit into a profile.. i tried it once like 4 years ago and they told me i did not qualify cause i did not meet any of their personalitiy profiles. wtf? are we suppose to fit into a simple profile? i wouldn't want to meet anyone who did
Yeah Katie, I think I would take it as a compliment if I didn't fit into a specific profile. Fuck that shit!
oh i do ;) i am too cool for them to catagorize.. hehe
Donna, email me your email address at Malskesy @ gmail (dot) com!!
*Kisses*
don´t worry, whore. you know you´re hot. plus key doesn´t seem to be that picky anyway. too bad you´re not gonna be on the rag, cause key likes to defy the old testament when he shags.
Fuck him if he doesn't like you.
Is that better?
Here I am...have to get up to date on all your blogs girl. Good luck with the wooden dicked dude..hahahaha I'm sure who ever he is he will love your crazy ass!
hugs
Amanda
learning....how to use this sorry
Again, for the record, my dick is not wooden.
Blue, I'm pretty sure Ghost is happy that we will not be creating a Japanese flag.
FGIS, thanks skank!
Amanda, thanks for coming by and leaving a comment. You follow my directions so well. I like it.
Ghost, why are you so touchy about your wooden dick?
Because I don't have anything else to be 'touchy' about until friday. Skank.
Make sure you get Key to sign a waiver stating that he absolutely WILL NOT blog about your dirty, trampy sexcapades. OR, if he does, that he at least has to mention how you made him blow his gasket and wrung him dry 'cause your just a sex machine.
Have fun and pack plenty of condoms!
Post a Comment