Ok, so I sort of stole the title from Lisa, but it was too good to pass up.
After my lunch with my mistress Lisa on Friday, I got the invite to come up to her house that night. Score! I was excited because there was the promise of sampling some of her husband's home made beer, and because I would get to hang with my mistress, in her element.
I got there around 8 ish and was immediately greeted by a dog's nose, 6 inches deep in my crotch. Too bad I didn't have any peanut butter. Her husband built us a fire (like any good man) in the backyard, where I re-told the agonizing painful story of my crop circles to her husband. Lisa was drinking her birthday wine and was quickly becoming a drunken harlot, taking her top off and wanting to go in the hot tub. Ok, so that last part wasn't completely accurate, but it was later in my dreams, ok?
Lisa and I decided to move our party inside and watch Run Fat Boy, Run. We watched about 5 minutes and then talked for the rest of the movie. I then decided that I needed to make the trek home before I got too tired and wound up sleeping on her couch, with her dog's nose 6 inches deep into my crotch all night. Lisa decides to give me a 'home breathalizer' test. Well, it's not really for home and the instructions clearly say to not let a drunk person administer the test, but who the fuck cares, right? We really couldn't tell which color the glass turned and if I was in fact too impaired to drive home, but we figured I was good to go.
I had a really good time with Lisa, her home is awesome, I want to steal her dog so it was sniff my crotch for the rest of it's life.
What did you fuckers do this weekend?
168 other skanks said...:
My dog peed on my houseguest's lap. She has never done that before. You can imagine I was mortified.
Mostly I just fought with Mr. Booms which mean there was absolutely NO crotch sniffing.
I stayed in Friday and worked on the blog and went out Saturday. I am still recovering. Send me energy and motivation, please...
CQ - OMG, how horribly embarrasing!!! What did you do?
Tits, tough break on the lack of crotch sniffing. Nothing better than a good, long whif of crotch.
I spent my weekend dressed up in a dog costume. Nice crotch, whore. Next time bring peanut butter.
Also, thanks for not wearing underwear.
Kar, sounds like you had fun though!
Ghost, always happy to offer my crotch up to you.
I drank, that's about it
I ate a peanut butter, jelly and Doritos sandwich and still no sniffing.
What am I doing wrong?
I hung out with a friend and also saw some family. I am so tired today.
And blogger is pissing me off.
I'm trying to upload my pictures from this weekend, when I was acting like a good mother and everything.
Yeah you are, whore.
Betsey: You might want to invest in a dog. Also, if no one is around, don't expect random guests to stop by and sniff your crotch. Unless you're at my house, I'm thinking there may be some reason I don't have more company.
Tits, blogger is pissing me off too. And you need to rub in some marshmallow cream shit...that will work!
J, what family did you see? Uncle Ryan??
I can imagine a visit to Ghost's house is less cheese platter and more couch splatter.
I don't even know what the hell that means.
I'm totally off my game today.
Betsey: You pretty much got it.
Is there a sign that reads:
Beware: Crotch sniffing raccoon?
If there isn't, you should immediately get one Ghost!
Um, it's pretty much a given, people. But I guess I could put a sign up.
I think the law would be friendlier with you if you at least posted a warning before the harassment happened.
Tits, if he has the sign then it would be more of an 'enter at your vagina's own risk'.
Did anyone watch the Girls Next Door season premiere last night? I liked Holly's chocolate vagina...
Two words, for both of you:
Never Indicted.
Damn, no I missed it.
Hey even the law caught up to OJ 13 years later.
Hmm.
Fishing. Check
Drinking. Check
Smoking. Check
Laying in bed doing nothing. Check.
Boring. I know.
Bitch-I'm coming to Cali in January. Be excited!!!!
Love,
Whore
My weekend, I had a bottle (or 3) of champagne. And spent like 99% of the time outside with my little monsters. they are 3 and 1. They tire me the fuck out!
Whore, that actually sounds like a good weekend to me. What part of CA are you coming to? You gonna kick it like taebo with me?
MK, good for you. You make a hooker proud.
Um, OJ isn't what we would consider a 'smart' criminal.
Yeah, that's an understatement, eh Ghost?
BB, yes, yes it is. It would be like me saying 'Allie has a big vagina'.
Ghost, our fake baby is haunting my dreams. I had a dream last night that it had the fake moustache and it was dressed up all freaky and was one of the children of the corn.
And yes, about Allie's vagina. That would be the understatement of the year.
Treading lightly here.
I don't want to stir anything up... or get any of that on my shoe either.
DPH, just imagine what the real child would do to your sleep cycle. Fucking scary. Other understatements:
Betsey is full of shit.
Betsey doesn't tread lightly.
Fake babies are scary.
Sarah Palin is not charming.
Tits, put on your big girl panties. I think we can talk some shit if we want! Besides, it's nothing we haven't said before, right???
Hellbilly was out of town so I had to entertain myself. Chose to clean the house. Fuck. How much pet hair can one casa contain? Again, fuck. Kicked it with MizzBee, Lil' Red, Dolly. And the usual horse stuff. (Somehow, I think 'the usual horse stuff' could become terribly twisted here at DPH.)
Oh...and finally figured out how to have 'mongoliangirl' instead of 'thecusp' on stuff. Who knew?
HELLOO!!!!
I had a good weekend...
Building sets, going to the fair and getting my groove on! Wooo hooo...
*Yawn*
Malskey's momma! How I've missed you. Who the fuck did you get your groove on with? You better say the daddy!
Ghost - DPH...
Screw you both.
All I'm saying is I don't want to step into mobile home vagina and get called names again.
Besides, when I do need big vaginas and name calling I have you two.
how many drunks does it take to figure out an at home breathalizer? *snickers* why are dogs always fascinated with vaginas?
Tits, are you saying that Allie's vagina is like a mobile home? Trashy and easily wrecked by tornados?
KK, LOL totally. It was pretty funny. The drunk nurse administering a breatalizer to the hooker.
Maybe I'm saying that it's like a mobile home because even though you see it coming and you can move it, you just sit there and do nothing and bitch about it later and cry on the news.
And by it, I obviously mean tornado.
I think what BB is saying, in effect, is that Allie and her large vagina are a disaster. That's what I got out of it.
oooppps... That momma comment was actually me... I didn't realize that she was signed in on her account... oops?
Or perhaps like a mobile home it is strangely spacious and clausterphobia inducing all at the same time.
With bad 70's decor.
And fake wood paneling.
Multiple bedrooms? Is this a single or a double wide, BB?
I'm going with double wide, but any bigger and we're moving into "manufactured home" territory and that's getting a little fancy for them stuff.
The nice thing about it is, unlike the human body, you can always knock off a bedroom or two and not worry about them coming back in a few months.
Someday I picture a heavenly place... Where vaginas have trailer hitches and bedrooms with attached master bathrooms.
Fur warshin' up.
Yes, the warshin.
Someday I picture a heavenly place... Where vaginas have trailer hitches and bedrooms with attached master bathrooms.
I literally peed my pants a little when I read that. Thanks. Now I have to walk around with a wet ass all day.
Wouldn't be the first time today, whore.
I had to explain what a rimjob was over lunch to the Christ Loving Jew. Sort of funny to see the look on that jews face when the explanation came out...
Don't forget to beat in on a rock by the river.
Fer shore, Betsay.
DPH, at least you didn't have to do a demo.
Do jews who love Christ not like tossed salads?
I'm relatively certain that rimjobs are not kosher!
I thought Jesus invented the tossed salad. You know, Gethsemane was a tranny, not a garden, maybe that's why he got snuffed by the jews.
Yeah not kosher.
Like eating pig off the wrong plates
I just figured out how to do this...
¿
WTF? Now I can type Spanish properly.
¿Donde esta el bano?
How do you do it Tits?
I may have to turn this into a mexican blog. You know, to honor my roots.
I'm just fucking awesome.
But in all seriousness it appears you have to be on a Mac.
And then it's option (alt) shit question mark.
LOL
Shift.
Not shit
That's something entirely different.
Damn...doesn't work. Stupid Dell computers.
I shared my lunch with the christ loving jew and now she apparently feels some sort of kinship with me and won't leave me alone.
Ghost, any ideas on how to ward off the jew?
Oh my. DPH, it's good to see you embracing your heritage.
Poison your food.
I suggest making derogatory comments about cat's in grass skirts
Or maybe you could wear a grass skirt to work. For the next four years.
Ghost, you fucking retard, then I'll die too! Is that what you want? The mother of your fake baby dead?
Tits, LOL if only it were that simple. I could call her cats fat and that might make her shut up.
Call them fat retards.
You know, like you call me when we cuddle.
Jesus, you are fucking retarded. Why would you knowingly eat poisoned food? Fuck. You offer some to her, let her eat, toss yours out, whatever keeps you from killing yourself. Fuck. I'm making you a new helmet.
This is why we shouldn't be allowed to have fake children, let alone real ones. We should both get our tubes tied.
I'm laughing so fucking hard, people in my office are staring at me.
Less time near the front of the microwave in order, DPH
Seriously, our child would never make it out of the embryo stage.
Well, not with its mother drawing little eyebrows on it every day.
Ghost, thanks. I'm pretty sure a new helmet is in order. Why don't you just cauterize my tubes with your 'hot sperm'.
BB, I only call you a fat retard when we're in public. When we're cuddling, I call you fat ass cause I can't get my arms around you with your fat ass keeping me on the other side of the bed.
Hey, babies need eyebrows too!
Oh gee thanks.
You sound suspiciously like Mr. Booms now.
Yes, but embryos don't. Is this shit fucking contagious?
I'm about to tell you both something I've never told anyone before...
when the punk was about 4 months old, I drew really huge, angry, black eyebrows on her, and took pictures. I'll have to find those...
Maybe that's why my mom hates me. She always thought that was such a horrible thing to do to a baby.
I'm more likely to 'cauterize' your eyeballs. You know, so you can wear functional eyepatches.
Don't worry, DPH, your mom doesn't hate you for that. She hates you for existing. She told me so the last time we were exchanging dna.
I drew eyes and and eyebrows on the back of my friends cat once.
We may have been high. I dunno...
but it looked like an angry elephant from behind.
The best part is that you could tell everyone that your friends' pussy looks like an angry elephant.
Tits, was it a hairless fucking cat or something???
Ghost, she was talking about my brother. He's the waste of space.
I look like a happy elephant from behind.
No sense in being angry about my fat ass.
Ghost, will you please let me draw angry eyebrows and eyes on your 'pelvic area' so we can make an angry elephant? Please???
Betsey: gross. Really. Elephants are not sexy.
DPH: believe me, if your mom had said anything about your brother while I was fucking her in the ass, I would have killed her. And buried her corpse under your bed.
Oh, sure thing on the angry elephant, DPH.
Sorry, Ghost.
My bad. Didn't mean to give her any ideas. But if you do it you have to put on a puppet show.
At what point did I imply that elephants are sexy?
Thanks, the puppet show sounds like a great fucking idea. Bitch.
You didn't, I'm just letting everyone know that they aren't. Free knowledge, dig.
Ooooooohhhh, a puppet show? Exciting!
Sure, a puppet show.
If things aren't going well you can reenact the plot to "The Saggy Baggy Elephant."
Yeah, I dig, but I bet there is some freak out there that thinks elephants are sexy.
And AAYSR will have to review their blog next week.
Bitch-
I will be in San Diego. And I would fucking love to kick it like taebo with you!!
Whatever, AAYSR will just make that stupid Charlotte bitch do the review. God she's a cunt.
Fuck an A.
You are an asshole, Ghost.
Seriously. You should give classes on that shit.
Well, sometimes. Yeah, I should give classes.
Whore, sweet. San Diego which is of course german for a whale's vagina. I'll be there.
Ghost, when you say things like 'that stupid Charlotte bitch' and 'god she's a cunt', you make me think of a different Charlotte. Ass monger.
Tits, he's Capt. Asshole. But that's why I love him.
I feel sorry for your already retarded fake baby.
yeah, I was going to take the "charlotte is a cunt" comment that direction...
And tell him he shouldn't say things like that... but you know...
Not cool.
Don't feel sorry for our retarded fake baby. It's retarded...and fake. It won't know any better.
Exactly. Feel bad for the people that witness us wearing our 'I'm with Stupid' tshirts.
It's only inappropriate if you actually put your kids face on the shirts.
Is it inapropriate for the retard to wear a shirt that says, 'my momma say's I'm special, but my daddy say's I'm retarded'
Is that wrong?
If it is wrong, we'll just move to Canada where everything is acceptable.
Is it actually acceptable in Canada, or are they just too stupid to know any better?
I'm going to go pick up my kid now.
Because I'm done hanging out with retards for the day.
Then are you going to tell your husband to stay out for the night, Tits?
Ahem.
You have a good night too.
Not nice to say about the Mr. Booms.
In his defense, his poor ass deals with me all the freaking time.
and he's not retarded.
He's drunk.
Sheesh, some bitches can't take a joke!
Have a good night.
Big whoreish pirate kisses to you.
I happen to like your hubs and find him QUITE hilarious.
Oh my. Looks like you pulled an Allie. Boy you really Allie'd that up. What the Allie?
I hope for the sake of your nuts you're calling Tits the Allie and not me, bitch!
I'm already risking my nuts as it is with a woman that burns her clitoris while masturbating.
touche, cock monger, touche.
Really, if I feared genital torture, I would have stopped talking to you long ago.
I'm glad you know what you're up against.
I did my recon.
121 comments? Seriously? Man...
You forgot to mention the part where you stood on the chair and bent over.
Okay maybe we were talking about mirrors but you bent over for me ;)
I knew she was leaving something out.
Ummm, yeah Lisa. We got a little carried away in the comments today.
I just now remember bending over for you, that's funny...
I need a full length mirror. I had to get up on my fucking counter again today and bend over all funny to see how I looked.
It's like a fucking insane asylum in here...and I love it.
Cusp, mongoliangirl, whatever the fuck you call yourself. I'm going to start calling you mongolian beef from now on, ok?
Rice.
Even better...mongolian beef curtain.
I did not look at myself because I knew I would just see the giant circles under my not sleeping eyes....but I need a full length mirror too.
I saw some scrubs for you if you were a nurse. They were cheetah print like your page. And your jacket, which was very cute.
I'm still laughing about your baby and his drawn on mustache.
That's a charity service you could provide. I don't know if you know this but cancer patients loose the hair on their head, eyebrows and sometimes the pubic hair.
You could draw on eyebrows and pubs for the cancer patients.
That's fucked up, Lisa. How bout we draw mustaches on your kids and point and laugh? Oh, I'm just kidding. But seriously.
Can we draw angry eyebrows on your crotch sniffing dog, Lisa? That would be awesome.
I need to get a bigger dog... Or someone dressed like one. And a hammock. That looks comfy.
Aren't you the one who started the mustache baby, Ghost?
If not I guess i am a jerk. Apparently last night I was so I'm not surprised if my jerkiness is still hanging around.
Corrina, tell me about it! I need to just get a dog. Otherwise I'll be a Lisa's a lot more than is comfortable for her and her family.
Lisa, can I move in?
Sure, we just gotta move my stepson out.....
I'm sure your husband will be ok with that...
And in case he's not, here are some selling points:
I don't clean up, not even after myself.
I leave wet towels on the floor
I burp REALLY loud
I giggle at extremely inapropriate times
Who the fuck wouldn't want that shit in place of a step son???
Oh, another strong selling point, he just got updated pics of the step son, so he won't miss him as much!
Sounds like an even trade.
Not to mention all of the sharing beds we could do, eh? When I say sharing I mean you sharing with me. Becuase you would belong to me.
Lisa, I was under the impression that your step son moving out was going to make room for your husband to switch rooms, no?
Ghost, it's a completely even trade if you ask me!
Sounds good, but we can't be too pushy. He's the richer nurse here, so we have to keep him happy enough to pay the mortgage.
But I'm sure we could handle that.
Good point. I'll share custody, but on the nights when I don't have you, I get the crotch sniffing dog.
Don't forget how much she (Heidi) likes sniffing doggie style. You know, nose from the back. She finds she gets better access that way. It's very disturbing.
Disturbing to you, is blissful to me.
Don't you think that picture of you is really great? Tomorrow I'll use the pic with your hand on your boob though.
Yes, I think it's a GREAT picture! Told you that you were a good photographer. You made the hooker look good. How bad is the pic of me with my hand on my boob? Be honest...
It's not bad, it just looks like you're feeling yourself up.
well that's certainly nothing new.
I'm so bored.
I hope Malskey's box is waiting for me when I get home.
That sounds dirty, LOL
I emailed it to you...but now I have to go do homework. :(
You should call her your Frauline (miss in German)since I have a Brit girl. We'll both have chicks on other continents.
Can I still be insanely jealous of that Brittish bitch?
Hey...you asked what people did this weekend and I said one of the things I did was figured out 'Mongoliangirl' instead of 'thecusp'.
And...beef curtain. I haven't heard THAT particular term since some little old man in London said it to me and then blushed.
I didn't know whether to feel sorry for him or laugh in his face.
Mongolian beef flap, were you in the middle of fucking this man in London when he made this remark? What on earth would posess someone to say beef curtain to another human being?
He heard me call someone a pussy and wanted to know what it meant. I told him...a whimp or 'bad word' for...uh...well...pussy. He asked if he could tell me one of his naughty names for pussy. When I said sure he said 'beef curtain' and then blushed. Who knew?
wow. I mean seriously...wow.
Yeah...wow and who knew? It was actually kinda cute.
So...let me think here...Mongolian Pussy? Is that what you're coming up with?
No MBC, here is the definition of beef curtain:
2. beef curtain
Reference to a vagina that has very saggy lips that are comparable to beef, and curtains, hence the name beef curtains. Often occurs after a lot of sex.
A porn star likely has beef curtains.
3. beef curtain
The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam.
Damn...and I thought it was just saying a 'naughty word' that was makin' the old guy blush. Maybe I SHOULD have been fuckin' him.
Have a good nite, skank.
goodnight my dear beef curtain.
Good night my dear Far Too Familiar With Beef Curtain.
Oh...uh...I mean...skank.
Goodnight my horse fucking frauline.
That's exactly what I love about you DPH...you really get starting in the gutter and going downhill from there.
And I really do mean that.
Nite.
Let's see...Saturday I had three toddlers driving me insane, and then Sunday I took my kid and my man to Magic Mtn. Had a blast. Made up for Saturday. Did not get my crotch sniffed because my husband was being a total asshole and was just lucky that I let him hang out with us.
LOVE the new background on your blog, lady! It looks so cool!!
You are one gorgeous hooker in a hammock there, missy.
You read what I did this weekend...it mostly had to do with copious amounts of wine and sleeping toddlers ;)
I wish I had a hammock!
My weekend was not nearly as exciting as a dog's nose knee deep in my crotch. Hell, my husband wasn't even knee deep in my crotch this weekend.
I just stopped by to get another little lookie at Angry Baby, but then I get all sidetracked by your insane amounts of insane comments.
Ok, I got my angry baby fix. I feel so much better now.
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